Things have gotten busy lately. We've had loved ones visiting, friend's birthdays and just tons of stuff to do. I caught up on a bunch of housework and haven't really sat down and taken a breath since. I feel like the longer I go surrounded by people and rushing around the crazier my head gets and the more stressed and irritated I feel. I told a friend that I got to hang out with last week, whom I've neglected lately, that with things being so busy when I get a free minute I get completely self absorbed. I don't like being "bothered", "interrupted", "distracted".
I feel like there is some imaginary timer going and when it goes off it's just done- and I don't get to do any of the things that I want to do. Like if I'm late, I just won't get to do it. I don't feel like it's me questioning my morality or anything like that- I think it's just the pressure I put on myself lately to not just have ideas but perform. If I don't get this done right now without any interruption- I might go back to my old patterns of 50 papers scattered in a trail around the house with random ideas and 20 partially done projects. I feel frantic, I feel desperate, I feel like I really need to learn to meditate or something. I need to find a better balance. It may come with time, it may come with projects finished and tangible success I can see- I just hope it comes sooner then later.
I hadn't drawn in a few days with all that we had been doing. I sat down to work on my current colored pencil drawing and all I could think was- what if I can't do it anymore, what if I forgot how- I knew logically it was ridiculous but it was this real panicked feeling that would not go away. Stress. My stress has been high lately with issues between my parents and I being at an all time high and all going on, I'm sure it's just stress... Right? It's probably a good thing I have therapy tomorrow. ::sigh::
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