Sure I get the dishes washed, the laundry done and folded, the kids and hubby fed etc, but I'm never doing just that one thing. I do spend a huge about of time just trying to figure out which idea/project I should be devoting my time to at any given time, and I often change my mind even after a long internal debate. I spend a lot of time trying to keep my self on task, trying to remember to pay attention to the world around me. I drive my hubby mad. I get absorbed by my ideas/projects and the world disappears. I don't like being interrupted when I'm on a roll- not by sleep, not by "mommy mommy mommy" not by anything really. I actually believe I could survive in solitary confinement and not be bored or go out of my mind from the quiet, my own thoughts could keep me occupied forever. That being said, I wouldn't choose to be alone- I've found my husband, kids pets and friends to be a great source of inspiration. I've kept my ideas and thoughts internal for a very long time. I was taught that my creative side was simply a waste of time. It would keep me down, keep me worthless- perhaps, but I also thinks there is a reason I cried when I turned 30 and for every birthday since- I haven't let me actually be me. I've been hiding, silencing my creative tendencies, burying myself in other things to become a person someone else wanted me to be.
Finally a month or two ago something my hubby said clicked and I understood what he's been telling me for a very long time. He wants me to be happy, he wants me to be me, even if that means there are projects all over the house, even if that means the edge of my hands are always gray from graphite, even if I never earn a single dollar- it's not a waste of time to him, because I will be a happier person and the regrets can finally fall away. So I started taking classes, not all of them were for me and I learned that fairly quickly- I am down to one class. The teacher is wonderful and I'm learning so much from it. She's teaching me techniques, pushing me to see, really see what I'm doing, pushing me to do more. The class is all good, but I'm making other changes as well.
I'm now writing my ideas down in detail, to get them out of my head. I don't know how many I will get to or when but I'm letting them out, making space for more I guess. I'm thinking about turning a wall and a half in our bedroom (also my newly created work space) into a idea board. Clip my ideas all over the room and when I have time pull one down and have it all there to get started. If I actually live with my ideas, see them- maybe I will start moving forward with some or all of them. The list is long at the moment, but I look forward to working on it. I don't yet know how to control in which direction I go first, and I think it will be a long process to teach myself to finish projects before starting others, but I'll get there. This is going to be part of that process. I don't know if another living soul will ever read this, or even if they did if they'd care- but for me it will be a great way to keep track of progress- a visual representation out in the world of me moving forward. We will see how it goes. For now I'll post a few pictures of the things I've been working on... and actually finished.
The first drawing I finished in 15+ years. Graphite: 1- 2b pencil that was a stub by the time I finished it. I had one moment of meltdown where I erased the whole monkey when it was 90 percent done. I swear I just wanted to fix one thing.... so I restarted it and this is what it ended up. Overall I'm definitely satisfied.
Rose- My final assignment for my graphite lessons in class was to choose anything to draw. I gave the choice to my daughter who decided on the rose, I cringed as I have major issues with drawing too heavy and the rose she wanted me to draw was a white rose.
Bunny cake I made for Easter. Had gummy worms crawling up from the dirt (butterfingers crumbled), peeps hatched from cadberry cream eggs.
Pictures I took with my Pentax digital SLR, please do not use them without my express written permission.
A digital painting I did- I've named it "Delicate"
