Thursday, September 27, 2012

Where does time go?

Life is a whirlwind I swear, the time just flies by faster each day.  I haven't been getting much of anything done.  I feel like I do the things I need to do, run out of time and never get to the things I want to do.  I'm sure 99 percent of the population can relate at some point.  I need to figure out a way to get to the "wants".

I've been thinking about setting up my day- each morning get the kids off to school, do an hour of housework and then an hour of workouts followed by the other stuff.  One day work on something to sell, another day a household project, another day learn something new, work on my drawings for art class- just give each thing I want to get to a chance to actually happen.   I've completed my work and/or resigned from each of my websites with the exception of one who's owners won't accept my resignation. I haven't accepted new work for a month or two.  I seriously think the only way to actually feel good and make progress is to give myself permission to walk away from the websites and walk toward something I love.  The hubby wants me to be happy, says don't worry about making money- and I'm truly blessed that I can do that.  It's not right to waste it, right?  We don't have excess money but we get our bills paid, I just feel so much guilt when I do something that is just for me.  Like there should be 30 other things I should be doing for something or someone else.

Tomorrow we're rearranging the house to put me, my equipment and all of my projects in a space that is just mine.  I'm hoping it helps me get going.  I guess we shall see.

-K

Sunday, July 29, 2012

Too many ideas too little time!

I had a really great 10th anniversary this weekend with the hubby.   I was very spoiled and just had an amazing time.  Between anniversary stuff, my sister in law's family visiting for the past two weeks and getting the kids ready to start school on the 1st- I've not touched paint, pencil, charcoal or colored pencil- not even my camera the past three weeks.  

I'm feeling flooded by ideas atm and things I really want to do, but I'm seriously lacking in time.  I have this worry that by the time I get to sit down and actually work on the ideas that I won't be in the extreme creative type mode I'm feeling right now and it just won't be as good as it could have been.

I have some website related stuff I need to take care of for clients the next two days, and then the kids will start school Wednesday so some time should free up- but I just know I'm going to have to choose between practical things I need to get done that are waiting on me, and the creative things and I just know what is going to lose out.  I want to say that I'll give myself an hour or two a day for anything creative but I just know once I start I get irritated and crabby if I can't keep going till I finish- so I'm almost better off skipping it completely.  ::sigh::  Who needs sleep?

Monday, July 16, 2012

Trying to pick back up.

Things have gotten busy lately.  We've had loved ones visiting, friend's birthdays and just tons of stuff to do.  I caught up on a bunch of housework and haven't really sat down and taken a breath since.  I feel like the longer I go surrounded by people and rushing around the crazier my head gets and the more stressed and irritated I feel.  I told a friend that I got to hang out with last week, whom I've neglected lately, that with things being so busy  when I get a free minute I get completely self absorbed.  I don't like being "bothered", "interrupted", "distracted".

I feel like there is some imaginary timer going and when it goes off it's just done- and I don't get to do any of the things that I want to do.  Like if I'm late, I just won't get to do it. I don't feel like it's me questioning my morality or anything like that- I think it's just the pressure I put on myself lately to not just have ideas but perform.  If I don't get this done right now without any interruption- I might go back to my old patterns of 50 papers scattered in a trail around the house with random ideas and 20  partially done projects.  I feel frantic, I feel desperate, I feel like I really need to learn to meditate or something. I need to find a better balance.  It may come with time, it may come with projects finished and tangible success I can see- I just hope it comes sooner then later.

I hadn't drawn in a few days with all that we had been doing.  I sat down to work on my current colored pencil drawing and all I could think was- what if I can't do it anymore, what if I forgot how- I knew logically it was ridiculous but it was this real panicked feeling that would not go away.  Stress. My stress has been high lately with issues between my parents and I being at an all time high and all going on, I'm sure it's just stress... Right?  It's probably a good thing I have therapy tomorrow.  ::sigh::

Sunday, July 1, 2012

Where did the weekend go?

Best laid plans right?  I'm trying to get myself into a schedule, with hopes that it will tame my spastic jump from one thing to the next tendency.  I want to do at least 1 hour of artistic learning a day and 1 hour of actual drawing- hopefully more but I am a mom of 2, have a house to keep up and several websites I'm in charge of.  I started writing things down like my hubby pestered me to do so I could "stop THINKING about things I planned to do and actually DO them". We'll see how it goes- so far I think I have 6 separate lists and I'm not sure which I wrote where- there are notes on random pieces of paper everywhere, I did get a dedicated notebook to write the lists in but... I'm not sure where I put it.
I'm going to try to to look at the stuff I did get done to help ease some of my frustrations with not doing the things I really really wanted to do. 
So I did some fixing
- Adjusted the Roman shades in my bedroom I had made to slide properly- 2 were misbehaving.
-I changed 4 pillows I had made from regular cute pillows to overstuffed cute pillows- an item on my to do list in my head for about 3 months now. 
- I started finishing (heh) the roman shade for my hubby's office- that's been on the back burner for sooo long.
- I organized the photos and scrapbooks from our first family vacation which we happily enjoyed and returned from a few days ago
- I worked on my cherries drawing for my first colored pencil drawing for my drawing class- probably about an hour or two
- Cleaned the game room up which has been overtaken by my sewing and art supplies for 2 months now =)
- Ordered more art supplies from amazon
- Hunted down a few good art references/tutorials I want to read/work on
I think that was about it, I didn't slack too badly- a few games of Munchkin snuck in there.  I'm having issues figuring out how to prioritize projects, things I want to do, need to do.  Do I do the fastest things first to get them off the list? The thing I would feel the most achievement finishing?  The thing I want to do most at any given point in time, which rapidly changes of course..  "Oh look, shiny..." yes, that's me.
I really want to start the week off well and do my hour of drawing and hour of learning each day.  I need to finish the shade for the hubby's office so it's out of the way.  I really want to do the painting for my living room wall that I've had in my head for a while now.  BUT BUT BUT  I also have a website to do list for a client or two that I need to do first, and I'd really like to finish the scrapbook/photo albums so I can send it off to my sister, nephew who went with us on the trip, and then I wanted to get back into an exercise routine again.
Are there enough hours in the day?  Never.
-

Thursday, June 28, 2012

First!

If you were to ask me at this point what best describes me it would literally be "high-functioning daydreamer" .  I don't know what it's like to live in other peoples' heads but I really know mine very well.  I am all over the place all of the time.  I don't really ever know how to escape or turn off the thousands of thoughts in my head at any given time, but I have learned to work with them.  You can see signs of my special kind of crazy outwardly within my life- tons of unfinished projects mixed in with hundreds of papers with ideas scribbled in every direction on top of other notes and scraps of paper in a jumbled "where the heck did that idea even come from" chaos. 

Sure I get the dishes washed, the laundry done and folded, the kids and hubby fed etc, but I'm never doing just that one thing.   I do spend a huge about of time just trying to figure out which idea/project I should be devoting my time to at any given time, and I often change my mind even after a long internal debate. I spend a lot of time trying to keep my self on task, trying to remember to pay attention to the world around me.  I drive my hubby mad.  I get absorbed by my ideas/projects and the world disappears.  I don't like being interrupted when I'm on a roll- not by sleep, not by "mommy mommy mommy" not by anything really.  I actually believe I could survive in solitary confinement and not be bored or go out of my mind from the quiet, my own thoughts could keep me occupied forever.  That being said, I wouldn't choose to be alone- I've found my husband, kids pets and friends to be a great source of inspiration.  I've kept my ideas and thoughts internal for a very long time.  I was taught that my creative side was simply a waste of time.  It would keep me down, keep me worthless- perhaps, but I also thinks there is a reason I cried when I turned 30 and for every birthday since- I haven't let me actually be me.  I've been hiding, silencing my creative tendencies, burying myself in other things to become a person  someone else wanted me to be.

Finally a month or two ago something my hubby said clicked and I understood what he's been telling me for a very long time. He wants me to be happy, he wants me to be me, even if that means there are projects all over the house, even if that means the edge of my hands are always gray from graphite, even if I never earn a single dollar- it's not a waste of time to him, because I will be a happier person and the regrets can finally fall away.  So I started taking classes, not all of them were for me and I learned that fairly quickly- I am down to one class.  The teacher is wonderful and I'm learning so much from it.  She's teaching me techniques, pushing me to see, really see what I'm doing, pushing me to do more.  The class is all good, but I'm making other changes as well. 

I'm now writing my ideas down in detail, to get them out of my head.  I don't know how many I will get to or when but I'm letting them out, making space for more I guess.  I'm thinking about turning a wall and a half in our bedroom (also my newly created work space) into a idea board.  Clip my ideas all over the room and when I have time pull one down and have it all there to get started.  If I actually live with my ideas, see them- maybe I will start moving forward with some or all of them.  The list is long at the moment, but I look forward to working on it.  I don't yet know how to control in which direction I go first, and I think it will be a long process to teach myself to finish projects before starting others, but I'll get there.  This is going to be part of that process.  I don't know if another living soul will ever read this, or even if they did if they'd care- but for me it will be a great way to keep track of progress- a visual representation out in the world of me moving forward.  We will see how it goes.  For now I'll post a few pictures of the things I've been working on... and actually finished.

The first drawing I finished in 15+ years.  Graphite: 1- 2b pencil that was a stub by the time I finished it.  I had one moment of meltdown where I erased the whole monkey when it was 90 percent done.  I swear I just wanted to fix one thing.... so I restarted it and this is what it ended up.  Overall I'm definitely satisfied.


 Rose- My final assignment for my graphite lessons in class was to choose anything to draw.  I gave the choice to my daughter who decided on the rose, I cringed as I have major issues with drawing too heavy and the rose she wanted me to draw was a white rose.




Bunny cake I made for Easter.  Had gummy worms crawling up from the dirt (butterfingers crumbled), peeps hatched from cadberry cream eggs.

  

Pictures I took with my Pentax digital SLR, please do not use them without my express written permission.





A digital painting I did- I've named it "Delicate"